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If I were to have kids in ten years, or even right now, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't make it, whether because they eventually suffocated under a build-up of polar bear corpses or because they played themselves in a nuclear "my bad"-type scenario. If you asked me if I thought my hypothetical children would ever possess the ability to go down on themselves at some point before their non-natural deaths, I'd say, "The technology won't be there for at least another years, if it even ever gets there, what with all of these sinister funding cuts. It turns out the technology is already there. O-Cast , a product unveiled earlier in March, allows people with a Lovense Bluetooth Lush vibrator which was not designed with oral in mind to lick their iPhones in the exact pattern they want their vibrator to "lick," or move, on their clitoris. When I first read about the app, which describes itself as the " iTunes of cunnilingus ," I sorted the news into the Progress No One Asked For file and went about my day, masturbating with my preferred devices while making eye contact with the cardboard cutout of Drake propped behind my bed. Yet I couldn't stop thinking about what it would be like for my vibrators to mimic the patterns my tongue made—the patterns I would like a tongue to make—on my vagina.

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